Hypnobabies - Week 5 and 6

So it's been awhile since I've posted. Lots has happened. Babies changed position 2 weeks ago to both being transverse. Then today at my appointment, Baby A is back to being breech and Baby B is head down. So we need 'A' to either move up away from my cervix, so 'B' can be out first...or For Baby A to flip and go head down too.

Last week, I had a pre-term labor scare. (A scare for me...not the Doctor.) I was having a few symptoms. Some spotting was the most concerning for me, but it was very small. The doctor brought me in after it didn't go away to do an exam. He could feel something hard on my cervix, but said my cervix still felt good (long.) So basically I was told to lie down when I felt the pelvic pressure I was having and to try to get horizontal a little more often to keep the pressure from compounding throughout the day. Sitting doesn't count. I have to be horizontal, since there is still vertical pressure when sitting. I have tried my best to get more "horizontal time." and it has seemed to help a lot.

At my appointment today, Dr. Brown said my cervix was still long, but it had softened some. He said to continue what I'm doing, and unless I was having anymore symptoms more than what I'm having now, I could come back in 2 weeks.

Week 5 of hypnobabies was about enjoying and being in charge of your birthing process. It discussed transformation being a welcoming part of birth, instead of fearing it. Other topics included mother-directed pushing, delayed cord clamping, and how to use your birthing ball.

The hypnosis part of week 5 reinforced my "peace" cue, and introduced a new cue. When I or someone says, "Release," I instantly go into hypnosis. I have really enjoyed this over using the finger drop. I like having the verbal cue along w/ the mental light-switch.

Week 5 also introduced a "Fear-Clearing" hypnosis session. I will be listening to that once a week from now until birthing. It will help me rid my fears. What are my fears? 1. Baby A not turning and needing a c-section. 2. Pre-term labor 3. Being induced. The thing I like about the fear-clearing is that it doesn't tell you your fears won't happen. It changes your frame of mind to understand what course the pregnancy/birth takes is right for me and my babies. So any fears you have go away.

Week 6 of hypnobabies was all about the maintenance program...what to do from now until birthing day.

Here is a link to a woman using hypnobabies for her birthing. You can see her using her peace cue toward the end.

Hypnobabies Week 4

Hypnobabies week 4 lesson discussed all about birthing time. What to do in early birthing, getting your birth partner(s) involved, what to pack for the hospital, signs of the beginning of birthing time, and the logistics of the birth. Most of this was sort of review, being a second time mom.

The hypnosis part of the lesson was to continue the "Eyes Open Childbirth Hypnosis." and taking it another step. I am now learning to direct anesthesia to certain places in my body: cervix, back, etc. My husband is now starting to be more involved by reading me scripts a few nights before bed. (We've been slacking in this department and need to get going!) I am still listening to the Twin Affirmations every day. I also practice putting myself into hypnosis 5 times a day.

We had our specialist ultrasound, and they could not confirm anything in regards to the Boy's spina bifida. They had the same reaction to the first ultrasound that revealed it. Could be nothing, but if it's something, it's mostly likely spina bifida occulta.

This ultrasound did show both babies breech! OH NO! So I am looking into spinningbabies.com for ways to help the babies get a chance to move. I will begin to swim and am looking into seeking chiropractic care. I so hope they will turn to where the first one is at least head down!!!! PLEASE BABIES!!!

I've started having some occasional leg cramps at night. They are BAD BAD. My husband says it sounds like I'm in labor. lol. My doula recommended Blue Bonnet Calcium, so I am waiting for that to arrive in the mail. It seems to happen on days where I've been really active, so I think it's a sign for me to start taking it more easy!

Besides the leg cramping and occasionally tired, I'm feeling well. I'm just anxious to get these babies in the right position.

Hypnobabies Week 3

This week's class is all about interventions in childbirth. It talks about vaginal exams, stripping membranes, inductions, food restriction during labor, receiving fluids by IVs, monitoring, epidural, coached pushing, pushing positions, and episiotomy. It goes over the pros and cons to each intervention and alternative options to each. It talks about the cascade of intervention, or the domino affect. One intervention leads to another. One example that seems very common (Quite a few friends have had this happen to them.) is to get recommended for induction. So before going into labor on their own, they go to get induced, often w/ pitocin. Pitocin causes the uterus to contract, but generally the pressure waves (contractions) are much stronger than a natural wave. This causes the mother to get the epidural. Epidurals are known for stalling labor...especially if gotten before the 5cm mark. So, a stalled labor means more pitocin. More pitocin means even harder, longer contractions, but that is OK, because mom doesn't feel it, right? Wrong! During contractions the oxygen to the baby is restricted, causing "fetal distress." Well, then THANK HEAVENS the medical staff is there to intervene to give a c-section. And certainly not always, but often c-section moms have a more difficult time breastfeeding, because often their babies are taken away to get checked over. Getting baby at the breast immediately after birth is the best way to get a good breastfeeding relationship started.

Don't get me wrong...interventions have their place. If I didn't think that, I would be seeking a homebirth. I just think all too often things are done that are unnecessary, for the convenience of the medical staff, for money, or for fear of being sued. And a mother in labor is at such a vulnerable state. I know when I finally gave in to pitocin and the epidural after 30+ hours of labor w/ my son, I was so upset. While they were putting the epidural in, I kept thinking, "I don't want to do this. I really don't want to do this." I was so vulnerable, and didn't have anyone telling me I didn't HAVE to do it. Ignorance isn't always bliss. And then while my son was born...I was a spectator - not an active participant. I didn't even know he was out, until the doctor held him up!

The hypnosis part of this week's practice is learning how to give anesthesia to my midsection and still be able to have the freedom to move around. This is by using the "light switch" I created in last weeks lesson, and taking it one step further. I now have a center switch (not just on/off) that I can use. The first session practicing this was quite fascinating. I literally felt a numbing sensation once I turned my switch to center from my breasts to my upper thighs. I was lying there in hypnosis thinking, "No way! This is amazing!" lol. It sounds so crazy, I know!

I had an ultrasound and appointment w/ Dr. Brown Friday. The cyst on Baby A's (the boy) brain is completely gone. But unfortunately he has a slight widening of his lower spine. I need to go in for a specialist u/s in 3 weeks to rule out spina bifida. Thankfully, Dr. Brown seems to think even if something is wrong, it would be a very mild case, w/ no neurological damage. He said that since everything else looks perfect, I shouldn't worry too much. His brain is showing no abnormalities. He suspects they may not find anything. Still, I will be a little anxious to get that ultrasound! The girl is looking great. Both babies are about a pound each. Baby A was head down (for now)! And Baby B was all over the place! :)

Some great news is that Dr. Brown now has rights to the hospital of my choice! My doula's (also a homebirth midwife) backup doctor is there, and we think she would have more of a chance of being allowed in the operating room. I am hoping this hospital might be more willing to let me have a birthing bed as well. I was thrilled with this news!

Total weight gain at 23 weeks is 25 pounds! Over half way there! Besides some very annoying heartburn, I'm feeling great!

Hypnobabies Week 2

This second week was a lot of information. It was all about staying low-risk, which will help keep interventions from having to happen come time for birth. This is especially important for me to keep pre-term labor from happening as well. The week's materials included exercises to do, foods to eat, and things to avoid. The main thing I got was to eat PROTEIN! Lots and lots of protein. Protein is required to build cells, it also helps keep the placenta healthy. And I should be eating eggs everyday. That is a great thing, since I LOVE eggs. It also talked about how important Calcium and Iron is. That is interesting about calcium, because I so craved milk w/ my first pregnancy. I drank 2 gallons a week in the last trimester. Milk is an excellent source of both protein and calcium. I guess there was a reason for craving it!

The hypnosis part of this week is learning to put myself into hypnosis w/ a skill called the "finger-drop technique." I am creating a light switch to turn my muscle functions on and off. So I am working hard at learning to turn my body off...meaning COMPLETELY relaxed.

A crappy note is I talked w/ Dr. Brown at last week's appointment. It seems like I will be required to deliver on an operating table. I have accepted the fact that I will need to be in the operating room, but I was really hoping for the freedom to assume a position that felt most comfortable. I was at least hoping for a birthing bed...not a cold narrow metal table. Dr. Brown said he wishes hospitals would allow moms to deliver NEXT to the operating room. He said a woman who comes in healthy with babies in a favorable position has such a minute risk of needing a c-section, that it is too bad that hospitals are so unfriendly to twin mothers. At least I know that he is on my side. And it's nice to know this now...so I can mentally prepare for it.

I may look into petitioning patient affairs to see if I could either have a birthing bed, or be allowed to push in a position comfortable to me. Mary Anne, my doula, is asking around to see what hospital protocols are and to see if she can get more information on the best route we should take. I am still hoping Dr. Brown will get his rights to the other hospital. I think that hospital might be a little more friendly to me.

I have decided on the treats for my labor and delivery nurses. After talking to some friends who are L&D nurses, I think I will bring bagels, cream cheese, coffee, hot cocoa, and teas for the staff. When you are requesting so much rule bending, it doesn't hurt to get on the nurses' good sides! Other than the cream cheese, we can buy everything else ahead of time so they will be ready to go to the hospital.

I am still feeling great. I have had a couple of dizzy moments where I needed to sit down. Both times that happened, I was in need of some food. Once I got some good solid food in me and a bunch of water, I was feeling fine.

We have another formal ultrasound next friday, so expect a report after then!

Hypnobabies Week 1

I will be talking a lot about hypnobabies the next several weeks. I am starting the course work for that this week. Week 1's reading contained an introduction to what hypnosis is and isn't. The main point was that all hypnosis is self-hypnosis, and that I will always be in control of what suggestions I accept. It assured that hypnosis can take some time to learn to do well, so it's important to practice it every day. I learned about how words are so powerful, and thus it's important to change negative words to positive ones (as I explained in my previous post.) It gave a quick overview of the female anatomy.

A part I found a little corny was creating a "bubble of peace." It makes sense, but the imagery is a little silly to me. I am to create my bubble of peace around me. I only let positive thoughts/people into my bubble. Anything negative bounces off and does not affect me. I guess before going into social situations I am to think about my BOP. This could be helpful, because whenever someone finds out I'm having twins the usual response is "Oh I had a friend who had twins, and she said blah blah blah." Situations like that I am to stop them in their tracks and tell them I don't want to hear it!

Lastly, some information I found quite fascinating...I learned about how fear during birth can stall it. Mammals usually seek out dark, comfortable places to give birth (think about cats!). There are two types of muscles in the uterus. Ones for opening everything up and allowing for birth. And ones for closing things up in response to fear or stress. So if the cat senses a predator or something else that might endanger her/her kittens, the stress causes the uterus to actually stop birth, so she can run and find another spot to birth her kitties. I thought that was fascinating. This happened to me w/ DS. I was worrying I would be too tired to push and end up w/ a c-section. I was stuck at 6 cm for 12 hours! It's just very interesting how our bodies work!

So hypnobabies is allowing me to not focus on fear. It teaches you to focus on all the positive things that WILL happen, and allowing the body to work the way it is supposed to. At my last doctor's appointment, Dr. Brown seemed shocked I had not experienced any signs of low blood pressure, such as dizziness or headaches. I guess it is extremely common w/ multiple pregnancies. The hypnobabies twin affirmations are instilling into my mind that I am healthy. I eat and drink healthily for me and my babies. And that my body IS WORKING PERFECTLY for the stage of pregnancy I am in. I cannot even begin to describe how much more energetic and "normal" I feel since I began listening to my affirmations. Yes, I get tired, but not like before. Before I was tired, because I was pregnant with twins. Now I am energized for the very same reason! It feels so good!

Hypnobabies has arrived!

I haven't even started the course, and I already love it.  I have been listening to my twin hypnosis track and twin affirmations track.  It is so wonderful.  It makes you completely relaxed and the positive messages are very powerful.  It has already helped w/ some Braxton Hicks pressure.

"So what is hypnobabies?" everyone asks me!  It's a method of using hypnosis to have a comfortable birth experience.  It's a whole new philosophy.

Old Negative Term    New Positive Term
contraction                 Pressure wave or birthing wave
labor                          Birthing time
pain                            Pressure or discomfort
due date                     Guess date
transition                    Transformation

Here is a video that discusses intervention in childbirth and toward the end it discusses hypnosis.

Also, here is a youtube video of it in action.

Here and Here  are explanations of hypnobabies. 

So from here on out I am going to do my best to keep myself away from negative thoughts.  I will not allow strangers to tell me their horror stories.  I will not watch any TV that involves birthing (Baby Story type shows or even sitcoms that have childbirth in it!)  I will not even watch natural childbirth videos as they often show women in a lot of discomfort, and that can promote fear.

I have a friend who used hypnobabies.  This past summer she was able to deliver a 10 lb baby while being induced w/ pitocin.  (Pitocin causes your pressure waves to be stronger than normal.) She was 100% monitored, so did not have free mobility.  She said she did not "want" medication for the discomfort.  She said she couldn't have done it without hypnobabies!  

I am shutting off comments on my blog, as I don't want anonymous strangers putting negative thoughts in my mind or even joking about this.  So that is the skinny on this class my husband and I are taking.  It is not only about hypnosis.  It is a full course on childbirth and having a healthy positive pregnancy and birth!  Cheers!

Meeting our babies

We had our formal 16 week ultrasound Friday.  We were getting snow and ice that day...most snow Nashville has gotten in several years, so the roads were predicted to be really bad.  I was worried my 1pm appointment would get canceled.  But the office called that morning telling me they'd be closing the office early and they would like me to come in NOW if I could.  So I called my husband at work, and we both headed in.  It was a lot of fun.  And we were able to find out the sexes. 

We are having a BOY (Baby A) and a GIRL (Baby B).  We are thrilled.  We really did not want 2 girls.  (Sorry girl fans!)  So when the sonographer told us Baby A (baby closest to the cervix) was a boy, both my husband and I were thrilled. 

The reason they do a 16 week ultrasound w/ a multiple pregnancy is to check the length of the cervix.  My doula said 3-4 cm is normal.  Mine was 5cm, and Dr. Brown was very happy about that.  I really think he is starting to root for me!  A short cervix can be an early indicator of preterm labor, so the fact that mine is so thick, is really great news!

Because our babies are obviously fraternal, we do not need to worry about TTTS (Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome), which can cause problems.

Baby A (the boy)'s placenta does not appear to be over the cervix.  I was so thrilled about this one, because a low lying placenta over the cervix is a definite c-section. 

The babies are growing at the same rate and measuring 16.5 weeks.  Right on schedule!  Yes!

Heartbeats were great.  The boy's was 158 and the girls was 167.  So that nulls the theory of boys having a higher heart rate.

The ONLY blurb of our results was that the boy has a cyst in his brain.  This can be an indicator of Down's Syndrome, but the sonographer said because there are no other markers present, there really is no need to worry.  She said these cysts generally go away in the 3rd trimester.  And that all the limbs are normal length, and the kidneys looked good as well.  Dr. Brown didn't seem concerned in the least either.  The sonographer actually said she wishes she was not required to tell parents about these cysts, because they almost always go away, and just cause parents to worry.

So all in all, a wonderful report!  Poor little boy is squished though!  :)  The little girl wiggled her rear-end at us the very first time she got the spotlight.  It was hilarious.  She was just shaking it back and forth!  She was doing flips for us too.  She was head down, and while on the screen flipped around breech!  She's going to be a firecracker!

Water, Water Everywhere!

I thought all the food I was supposed to eat was bad.  That's nothing compared to the water I am supposed to drink.  1-2 gallons?  I am lucky if I make a gallon.  I wish I could drink more, because I AM thirsty all the time. 

Add all this water to a pregnant woman's bladder.  Not fun.  I am currently looking out for a HUGE sale on toilet paper!  Sometimes it seems like I wash my hands only to immediately got back to pee some more.  Not fun!  It's tough at night especially.  Because I'm always waking up thirsty, I try to drink a bunch before bed, but then that only keeps me from falling asleep some nights because I am constantly having to go!  Ugh. 

So, since becoming pregnant, I have only had a few sips of soda, and that was when I was craving a taste of coke.  I took a sip of my husbands can.  I've been told, "Ahhh, a coke won't hurt you!"  But it would be so counterproductive for my thirst, I don't want to drink one.  I drink a glass of juice w/ breakfast, water all day long, and milk or soy milk w/ dinner, followed by more water.  This will probably be very good for me past the pregnancy as well, because I'll need to continue hydrating myself to breastfeed two babies!

Time to Chow!

A woman carrying two babies, I have been told, should be eating 3500 calories.  Say what?  This has been difficult, and to be honest, I don't know if I am eating that much.  I do know that I am eating all the time.  breakfast, morning snack, lunch #1, dessert, lunch #2, afternoon snack, dinner #1, and dinner #2.  The bulk of this is supposed to be complex carbs and protein.  It's a good thing I like peanut butter!

I have had a hard time maintaining my weight over the last year or more while breastfeeding my son.  I gained 40 pounds with my pregnancy with him.  And lost 50, and that was with drinking Ensures to help me not lose anymore.  So when I went to my second MD appt, I was thrilled to see I had gain weight.  And the doctor said it looked like they were growing well.  What a relief!

Basically, everything I eat, I add something to it.  And I try to eat as healthy as possible.  So a salad is not just some greens w/ dressing.  No, it is greens, chicken, tomatoes, hard boiled eggs, strawberries, and almonds.  Ice cream is usually my dessert for the day.  I always add peanut butter to it.  My fruit smoothies I have about every other day also contain greek yogurt (more protein than reg. yogurt), granola, and spinach.  If I have some silken tofu, I will add that too.  Smoothies are a great way to get a ton of those complex carbs!  My son loves them too, so it's a great PM snack after his nap for both of us.   Per my doula recommendations, I am also drinking 1 regular Ensure a day.  She said it is really hard for a busy mom to get all the nutrients they need, especially the protein, to go full-term with twins.  This was not a big deal for me, as I was used to drinking them while I was struggling to maintain my weight while breastfeeding my oldest. 

The hardest part of eating is not the eating part.  It's the preparing part.  It seems like all I do is prepare food.  After getting done dinner #1, we get DS ready for bed.  After he's in bed, I would love to go to bed too, but I know I will wake up starving if I don't, so I need to eat dinner #2.  I take either a nutrigrain or Larabar to bed to eat in the middle of the night.

Meeting the Doula

We finally met our doula the week after Christmas.  She came highly recommended from a friend who had a pitocin induced labor.  She delivered a 10 lb baby without pain medication.  Mary Anne (www.tender-beginnings.com/) is a homebirth midwife who also serves as a doula for clients wishing to deliver in a hospital.  She is also an RN and has much experience with twin births.

When Mary Anne came to our house for a consultation, I immediately knew she was the one.  She had such a calm about her.  She was direct with information she had for us.  She didn't sugar coat things, she was realistic. And to top it off, she made my husband comfortable.  An added bonus was that she is not only a doula, but a monitrice.  This means if I go into labor on my own, she can actually monitor the baby and me at the home, and help us decide when is a good time to go to the hospital.  That service could have made all the difference in the birth of my son, as I had a long, long labor with him.  With this multiple pregnancy, as soon as I get to the hospital, I will lose much freedom of movement, as the babies and myself will be required to be 100% monitored. 

It was a tough decision to get a doula at all.  With the c-section risk much higher for me, I was torn as to whether to "waste" the money for a doula, when that money could be used toward baby supplies.  But after discussing with other moms, she will be helpful not just in delivery, but the entire pregnancy.  And in the case of a c-section, she can be with me in the aftermath, while my husband stays with the babies.  She has already proven to be a big asset.  She has given me really good diet information and advice.  And when I told her about an upcoming ultrasound, she gave me a list of questions to ask about the babies.  The knowledge she has is vast, and she is much more accessible than an ob/gyn for questions.  And she can give me all sides of the medical story, to help me and my husband make an informed decision about OUR birth.

Making this decision was huge for me.  I felt so good after deciding on our doula.  I was beginning to resent my babies less and less.  I now looked at them as something to conquer.  I am so looking forward to the opportunity to bring them into this world.

Baby A:  please be head down!

Time to Wean My Son :(

I had planned to wean my son when he was two.  His birthday was in January.  Nursing was getting harder and harder.  My milk was drying up, and it was starting to hurt.  It was time.  It thankfully was not that hard.  I started taking out the nap nursing session as soon as we got back from our Thanksgiving trip.  He had very little issues with it.  I sat with him on the floor and we read stories for 10 minutes.  I then put him in his crib.  He fussed for a little, but hardly anything.  What a RELIEF!  We did this for a couple of weeks before implementing night time weaning.  It went just as smoothly.  My husband took over the stories, and I will say...after TWO YEARS of putting our son to bed, it was nice to just sit on the couch by myself.  After night was fully done, I took a last nap time nursing session, so DS and I could have one last time alone together.  You never forget the first time they latch, but I heard you generally forget the last....I didn't want that, so I wrote him a letter.  I'm so glad I did, because I already would have forgotten the weather that day.

Oh my sweet DS,

Today was your last time nursing.  It is January 4, 2010.  It is cold and sunny w/ some snow spitting in the air.  (high of 27 and low of 7 degrees.) You made it 2 years!  I could not be more proud of you, DS.  I am so thankful for our special relationship.  I remember how thrilled I was when you first latched and started sucking w/ those weak jaws just minutes after you were born.  You chomped.  I was in awe.  Today, it was so hard for me to break your latch once you had fallen asleep for your nap.  I kissed your hand and said “I love you DS, and I love your Daddy,” just as I had done every nursing session we’ve had over the last two years.  I remember nursing you in the glider when you barely fit in my arms, thinking that someday your legs will be hanging over the arms of the chair.  That came quickly.  December 26, 2009 we had planned for your last time nursing for bed.  (You were down to just that 1 feeding).  But you had other ideas.  You spent the night at Gammie and O’Pa’s on the 27th.  Daddy put you to bed successfully on the 28th.  But on the 29th…you were very upset after Daddy put you to bed, so we nursed together again that night.  I wondered if it was the last time.  It wasn’t.  You woke up from your nap on New Year’s Eve distraught.  So I nursed you.  You stayed on forever and didn’t want off.  We finally put in some Thomas the Train videos (Your favorite!), and you came off to watch that.  Was this the last time?  It could have been, but I wanted a last nursing just the two of us for your naptime so I could have you fall asleep in my arms one last time.  That was today.  You are such a special little boy…so happy and kind.  I look forward to all the wonderful adventures we will share together.  You’re a big boy now…you will make an amazing big brother.  Mommy loves you with all her heart.

Love,

Mommy  (Mo-mee)

PS:  I nursed you 2 days later on Wednesday for your nap.  You were sick and the day prior you didn’t nap, so I wanted you to get some good rest.  I nursed you on Sunday as well, when you woke up from your nap upset.  That was the last time…just shy of your second birthday.  What a BIG BOY!

I still cannot sit in the glider with my son.  He will immediately lie down to nurse.  Such a sweet little boy he is.

Oh the exhaustion!

Oh my!  December was filled with complete exhaustion.  With my first pregnancy I had what I thought was exhaustion.  Oh no, that was not exhaustion.  I could have never fathomed how tired I would be, without experiencing it first hand. There were days where I woke up at 7am, only to fight falling asleep on the couch at 9am.  Thankfully, I am a SAHM.  Otherwise I would have been falling asleep at work.

I wanted to do NOTHING.  Getting up to go to the bathroom only sent me back to the couch to rest for another 30 minutes before I could sit.  It was really that bad.  My poor son, his days were filled with watching Thomas the Tank Engine for hours.  It was nice when his grandparents took him to play outside.  I just could not...I felt guilty.  I've always been a firm believer in outside time.

My exhaustion was frustrating for my husband, and understandably so.  Here I was home all day, with absolutely nothing to show for it but dishes all over the counter, the house a complete mess, and no dinner cooked.  He's gone from the house generally from 7am-7pm.  So after working hard all day, he had to come home and work some more to keep up the house.  I could tell he was frustrated, but he was good about it.

My husband did all the Christmas decorating.  I remember waking up from a nap with the entire tree up and decorated.  And no one received Christmas cards from us this year...I wasn't doing anything.

Another frustrating thing was that everyone was asking how I was feeling.  And they all thought it was wonderful that I was not having any morning sickness.  (I AM very thankful and lucky for that.  I had none.)  But they seemed to care less that I barely could walk to the kitchen to get something to eat without having to take an hour nap.  Because I was not physically sick, I must be doing well, right?  Ummmm no!  I feel miserable!  Oh so thankfully, that extreme exhaustion only lasted about a month.

Meeting Dr. Brown

So I met Dr. Brown December 17th.  I didn't have to wait for him at all.  He was calm and relaxed.  I like that.  He came in, sat down, leaned back in his chair, smiled, and asked "OK, what are your questions?"  He acted like there was nothing else on his mind, but listening to me.  He said he saw in my chart I was coming from the midwives, and assured me that so long as Baby A was head down, I could deliver these babies vaginally and I would not be required to have an epidural.  (He did tell me that no doctor in the Nashville area would deliver vaginally w/ a breech Baby A.)  He also assured me that all the doctors in his practice were very comfortable with delivering a breech Baby B vaginally, but added that for the most part they all deliver their own babies.

He also was comfortable with monitoring my thyroid (I've had lots of hyperthyroid issues in the past.)  That is nice, knowing that I don't have to add more doctor appointments to my schedule.  Since this is a multiple pregnancy I have to go every 2 weeks, not every month.

After we talked, he quickly looked at the babies thru ultrasound.  They already, at 10 weeks, were moving around quite a bit.  It made me feel guilty about wanting them to miscarry.  I now want to make myself as healthy as possible, because they are here to stay, and they're depending on their mommy.

I left the office feeling really good.  A nice change.  Now I needed to decide on a doula!

Hoping for the Worst, Planning for the Best

I was so upset to be having twins in the two weeks after finding out the news.  What made it worse, is that everyone else was so excited.  I would make comments about how awful the first years will be, and everyone told me to stop saying that stuff.  I wasn't allowed to feel what I was feeling.  It was wrong of me.

For about two weeks I secretly hoped for a miscarriage.  Every time I went to the bathroom, I was disappointed not to see any blood in my underwear.  How awful.  How horrific!  Here I was "blessed" w/ babies; so many other women would die to have, and I wanted them to go away.

And ohhh, everyone telling me how wonderful it will be just irritated the hell out of me.  I just wanted to scream and tell everyone to shut-up.

Traveling up to Maine to see my family over Thanksgiving, we saw a couple on the highway w/ a "Just Married" sign.  I said, "Yea, everything is wonderful now....Just wait 5 years and you'll be pregnanct with twins!"

While I was not happy about this pregnancy, I needed to get my act in gear to prepare for it.  I had a consultation with my midwife to discuss the pregnancy.  She gave me lots of advice and encouragement.  But also set in the reality that I needed to let things go a little.  She recommended Dr. Brown, with whom she and her practice used to work closely.  A doula I had spoken to also had good things to say about Dr. Brown, adding he would give me as natural of a birth as possible.  This made me relieved...my provider had been decided on.

A Change in Plans

I had big plans for this pregnancy.  I had hoped to have an unmedicated birth with my son 2 years ago.  I went 30 hours of natural labor, before exhaustion got the best of me.  I agreed to pitocin and the epidural, so I could get some sleep.  So for two years I have thought...no no no...I have obsessed with how I would do things differently with my next pregnancy.  This was my last chance, as we only wanted 2 children.

I switched to the Vanderbilt Midwives practice for this pregnancy.  I loved my first doctor, but felt having a midwife would help me w/ natural birth.  I also planned to get a doula, and use hypnobabies this time around as well.  I was planning to do everything to help me succeed.

When I called my midwife's office to tell them I was having twins, I was slammed with the news that they are not allowed to deliver multiple births.  It was like getting stabbed in the gut.  I would now have to have an ob/gyn.  After doing some research it looked like I had about a 50/50 chance of having them vaginally, let alone naturally!  This put me in somewhat of a small depression.  Everything I was hoping for is in jeopardy.  I started resenting these babies.  They were ruining everything!

Getting the News

I got the news I was pregnant with twins Tuesday, November 17, 2009. I was a little over 6 weeks pregnant. I was taking part in a pregnancy study which gave me the 6 week ultrasound. Because I was told they would not tell me anything, my husband did not go. So when the sonographer said "I see two sacs," my reaction was "Oh, shit...twins?" A million things flew threw my mind including:

• we only have 3 bedrooms.
• we only wanted 2 kids.
• my husband is going to be upset.
• my poor son is not going to have the attention he deserves.
• how will I breastfeed 2 babies?
  
• my hopes for natural birth is probably out the window.

The ultrasound was done and the sonographer asked "Everything looks fine, can I tell you anything more?" I said "No, No, you've told me enough." After getting DS into the car, I immediately called my husband. He was in a meeting and got his voicemail. I hung up and called again - still voicemail. As soon as I hung up to try again he called me. I didn't even say "Hello" I just blurted out "We're having twins," and began to cry a little. He was stunned, and later told me he was useless at work the rest of the day. When he came home, he just walked around looking at the house. Our perfect house wasn't looking so perfect now.

I cried most of that day and pretty much every day for the next week. My husband was much more open to the thought. Me...I didn't want them.