Hoping for the Worst, Planning for the Best

I was so upset to be having twins in the two weeks after finding out the news.  What made it worse, is that everyone else was so excited.  I would make comments about how awful the first years will be, and everyone told me to stop saying that stuff.  I wasn't allowed to feel what I was feeling.  It was wrong of me.

For about two weeks I secretly hoped for a miscarriage.  Every time I went to the bathroom, I was disappointed not to see any blood in my underwear.  How awful.  How horrific!  Here I was "blessed" w/ babies; so many other women would die to have, and I wanted them to go away.

And ohhh, everyone telling me how wonderful it will be just irritated the hell out of me.  I just wanted to scream and tell everyone to shut-up.

Traveling up to Maine to see my family over Thanksgiving, we saw a couple on the highway w/ a "Just Married" sign.  I said, "Yea, everything is wonderful now....Just wait 5 years and you'll be pregnanct with twins!"

While I was not happy about this pregnancy, I needed to get my act in gear to prepare for it.  I had a consultation with my midwife to discuss the pregnancy.  She gave me lots of advice and encouragement.  But also set in the reality that I needed to let things go a little.  She recommended Dr. Brown, with whom she and her practice used to work closely.  A doula I had spoken to also had good things to say about Dr. Brown, adding he would give me as natural of a birth as possible.  This made me relieved...my provider had been decided on.